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My husband and I have been married for almost two years. He is an artist and I work in the medical field. We are happily married and never fight. We show our love to each other daily. However, he looks at pictures of nude women almost every day and his picture on his phone is a nude woman. When I asked him, he said that he looks at them because he has a hard time drawing the female body and he is kind of doing research. I do have poor self esteem about my body as it is(like most women) and it sometimes embarrasses me that he has a nude woman on his phone. Should this be a red flag to me? Should I be worried?

I feel like that if I asked him to stop he would but I don't want to be so petty if this is something I should not be worried about.

Thanks for your time and I look forward to your answer/ advice!!!

Becky


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Dear Becky:

Wow - your husband has the perfect excuse for looking at naked women! How about if you were to put a photo of a naked male model on your phone and claim the same thing because you are in the medical field?

Are you telling me he only draws nude women? He doesn't do landscapes, a still life, cityscapes? Does he put photos of flowers on his phone, or artwork from famous artists? To me this sounds like a perfect excuse to look all he wants, and then justify it too.

There are plenty of paintings of nude women - Botticelli did several, so did Cezanne and Renoir. Is he studying them too? I bet the naked women he looks at are all perfect too - not one flaw on them because they are all airbrushed out. If they are perfect specimens no wonder you feel the way you do - there is no way you can compete with the images he sees.

And ultimately I think that this is what it boils down to - no matter how much he may deny it - at some point there will be a comparison between you and the images on his screen. It is easy to forget that those models are airbrushed and all flaws are removed. I read somewhere recently that men are like a hummingbird drawn to the brightly colored flower. Their attention is momentarily grabbed from you to a woman who walks past but then just as quickly it comes back to you. By focusing on the nude forms that he looks at he is allowing his attention to be drawn to that brightly colored flower for longer than is normal, so I think you are right to be a little concerned - but at the same time, he is not hiding it from you, most men who have a problem do hide it.

It sounds like you have a good relationship - you mention that you never fight, so your communication with each other is probably good. I would approach your husband when you are both relaxed and let him know that you feel disrespected as a woman and his wife because of the photos. How would he feel if some other man had a photo of you naked on his phone? That photo is someone's lover, daughter, sister.

I asked my husband, also an artist, what he thought of your question. He said that as an artist, you do need to study your subject, but not all the time and not exclusively. He thinks too that your husband is using this an excuse. He suggested that you ask your husband to change out his images, and shuffle them with other images, such as famous paintings, other things that he paints and so on.

It comes down to a case of respect and mutual compromise. Out of respect for your feelings he should be willing to remove images that make you feel uncomfortable. But you have to realize that he might honestly need to examine the female form in order to draw/paint it properly. Figure out what you can both live with and move from there.

Cori

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Becky ~

As a fellow artist, I can attest to the fact that looking at the nude human form is something I do and study for inspiration before painting. Studying the angles, shading and so forth make it easier for me to paint the type of work I do.

I guess my first question would be, Are the women he's viewing women he knows?? Personally, I would find this totally unacceptable as there are many nude models and tasteful photos available that aren't of the "personal nature".

Seeing a stranger in an artful nude pose for muse is totally different than seeing your next door neighbor - if you get my drift.

Would he deem it acceptable for you to have photos on your phone of men's private parts for a new medical research you might possibly doing on the effects of say ... Viagra? Ask him! :-) Again, a classic medical text book photo isn't the same as pornography.

In the meantime, work on your self esteem. Find a hobby you enjoy. Jealousy is something that some women must work hard at to keep at bay. But just remember that CONFIDENCE is the sexiest trait any woman can possess.

TiKi

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If your husband cared about your feelings (assuming you shared them) he would not have nude photos on his phone.  The picture on the phone is definitely NOT research. It might be a statement about his profession but a caring man would first consider how his wife felt about it.

- Michael

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You have good reason to be concerned about your husband. I am a guy who has in the past struggled with the so-called "excuse" of having to look at female bodies just so that I can draw them. Now, I too am artistically talented, but it's more in the lines of music, not drawing. That I would get inspiration from a naked woman would be somewhat boring...not because the women are boring, but because after a while everything starts to run together like old paint and it starts to look fake.

I would suggest to you that you mention to your husband that when he has a naked picture of any other woman besides you, he is doing what I refer to as "sharing the wallet". Or, if you want a more literal translation, "giving the pin code to the bank account of your life to other women." A naked picture of a woman, regardless of who she is will create desires in a man to have some sort of connection with that woman. If your husband gets a connection with the naked women that he constantly views, it means he is not having that connection with you. And, that you ask Michael Webb and his panel shows that you are very concerned and rightly so. Unless you are not serious about this marriage, I suggest you give him some stern words about exactly how you feel treated like paper. If he is so interested in naked women, tell him to put you on his phone. If he has reasons not to, THAT is a red flag. Seek counseling before he goes too far and tries to connect with other women.

- Norm

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