Michael-

After 20+ years of being married to my first husband and having
great sex, I found myself divorced two years ago (no good reason for
that divorce except maybe mid-life crisis on his part). Recently,
I remarried and find that my new husband's sexual techniques are
less than desirable. We tried to save sex for after we were married
because of our beliefs and now I find that sex with him is almost
repulsive. He has started biting his nails and therefore foreplay
is not enjoyable at all due to very rough fingernails. Without
some foreplay to warm me up, sex doesn't even excite me now and
we rarely have it (been at least six weeks). He seems to have very
little sex drive as well and no imagination in the bedroom.

I have asked him about trying to stop the nail biting but he doesn't
seem to care. Of course, before we were married, he had stopped
and they were growing and improving but now that we're married,
it's back to old habits. I can't help but compare our sex life with
my former marriage which was great. He has some great qualities
but sex is not one of them and since we didn't really try things
out before marriage, I am stuck with a very less than desirable
sex life. I am afraid that our marriage is in trouble and we have
only been married for almost a year. Any suggestions?

- Cyndi


Dear Cyndi

I am really sorry you are having these problems.

First, your letter spells out the danger of having multiple
partners, even if it is two. One of bound to be better than the
other and should you be married to the worst you can feel "stuck" and
"unsatisfied". It is a good warning for others.

Secondly, while it is wonderful to stay pure until the honeymoon
it is not wise to be silent about it during courtship. Good
conversations about both of your desires and wishes in that
area could have shed a lot of light beforehand. My 1000
Questions for Couples ebook has about 100 questions on the
topic that MUST be discussed before that commitment is made --

http://www.questionsforcouples.com


Last, you have a problem with an insensitive man. A long courtship
(a year or more) should have given you a real clue, as men can
fake being kind for quite a while. It will be up to you to be
in the drivers seat in the bedroom for a while to teach him some
new tricks. Men love variety so catch him in the mood (often early
morning) and give him the time of his life and he'll be coming back
for more.

And finally, counseling might be in order if you remain frustrated.

Now, lets me be clear. I am not trying to put all the blame on you. It is simply that you cant make him do anything so I am just giving advice as to what you can do.

..............................

Reader's responses:

You were right on the nail about the questions Michael.  My former boyfriend and I were waiting for marriage to become intimate and when we were going through the questions it became clear that we most likely had completely different sexual desires. I am glad I didn't have to sleep with him to know that. I think it is utterly ridiculous that people believe you have to sleep with every man/woman they date to see if they would be sexually compatible.

- Tricia

..............................

Tell Cyndi that I was a man much like her 2nd husband. I was very timid and unsure of myself in the bedroom for many years. I was embarrassed by small penis.  Eventually my wife and I began having better and better sex as we both matured.   There may be some physiological or mental reason why he is not up to par.

..............................

Hormones!  When I went to my doctor because I no longer had any sex drive he tested me and discovered my hormones were completely out of whack.  Her husband might want to go get tested.

..............................

My husband was in an accident and can no longer pleasure me like before. Will I seek a divorce because of that? That's ridiculous. Yes, I still have desires and have become comfortable to taking those matters into my own hands - literally.  Sex is not the foundation of our marriage. Its our friendship.

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