Dear Lovemaking Answers -

I am a healthy 23 yr old women that's not on any medications besides the pill which I've been on for about 6 yrs now. My boyfriend and I dated for about 5 yrs and in that time we had a phenomenal sex life.

After we broke up my friends urged me to go find someone new to try new things since sexually, he was all I knew. (He didn't have much experience either but we were happy with each other.) He was always a "soft" kind of lover and while broken up I discovered that I much more enjoy a rougher, kinky kind of sex.

We ended up getting back together and every thing's great except our sex life now. It's been about 5 months now and if we're lucky we have sex once a week. Sex isn't really the problem, foreplay is. I love him, deeply attracted to him and want to have sex but I'm as dry as the Sahara.

His idea of foreplay is mostly just gently kissing/caressing, which used to work. I've mentioned to try and be a lil rough and adventurous but he doesn't. We've tried lubes and they
tend to irritate me. If he goes down on me, that works but he doesn't like to. I've bought toys that are meant for both of us and they just sit there.

Also, we don't have the privacy of our own place so it seems like he only tries as we're going to sleep. Which kinda frustrates me because a lot of times it's 2am and I just want to go to sleep. There are times during the day where we have like 30seconds to ourselves and can sneak a quick passionate kiss that arouse me but then later that night, I can't get wet. It also became routine (of him trying right before sleep) and predictable.

I want some spontaneity. I could actually be fine w/ sex once a week but I can tell how frustrated he is and I feel awful about it. I feel like if I didn't experiment while we were broken up, then I wouldn't be in this situation. How can I naturally get myself aroused when he need me to be? Also, sometimes when we do have sex, I find that I have my O ten minutes into it and my mind wanders while I wait for him to finish. Is there anything I can do about that?

- Sex Has Lost Its Zing

Dear Sex Has Lost Its Zing -
 

Your story is a perfect example of why having multiple sex partners is never a good idea.  Sure, you are more experienced now and have even discovered some things from other sex partners that turn you on even more, but those experiences have come to haunt you.

It will take time before those memories of other sex partners and acts will begin to fade. 

Isn't it ironic that you and your boyfriend had "phenomenal sex" when you were blissfully limited in your sexual experience?  "Boring" sex with a single, life-long partner usually is much more meaningful than "adventurous" sex with multiple partners. 

This is not to say that you do the same things over and over.  I'm sure your boyfriend will let you gently lead him to some new experiences together if you will simply communicate with him your wishes and desires.  It may be up to you to take the lead on new times and places to make love.

And if you want some extended foreplay to help get those juices flowing, then you might want to try out some of my Dirty Talk phrases.  They are guaranteed to get you hot and him hard.

- Michael Webb

................

Privacy sounds like one of your issues, but if you don't TELL him what you want, he's not a mind reader. He's proceeding with the relationship you initially had that satisfied you for 5 years thinking that everything is still o.k..

YOU need to tell him things you want to try together. Take the initiative. There's nothing that says YOU can't wake up 30 minutes earlier in the morning and make the first move. Being in charge maybe give you some of that natural excitement back and that will help get you wet.

At your age, lubrication shouldn't be an issue, but you need stimulation to get there. Try stripping for him and teasing him WAY before bedtime so that it's more fun and not a chore.

Sex should not be the same day in a day out - it becomes boring if you're using the same routine over and over.

It sounds like you need to tell him straight up what turns you on. You said you mentioned "to try and be a lil rough and adventurous but he doesn't". Sex is a two way street. You may have to take his hands and show him exactly what you want him to do. VERBALLY tell him how good he's doing when he gets it right.

If you come 10 minutes into it and he's not there yet -
you've had yours! It's all about him at this point! Don't let your
mind wander - turn ALL your attention on him and help him
reach that same pinnacle.

TiKi