Dear Lovemaking Answers -

Recently I learned that my boyfriend looks at porn. I know
its a personal thing that he does but I have found that its offensive to me. It makes me feel unwanted or not good enough.

When I found out i told him how I felt and he said he wouldn't do it anymore, but he did and he told me straight up and said he was sorry. which also made me feel like he didn't care that it hurt my feelings and he was going to proceed to do it anyway.

I don't want to control what he does but it bothers me a lot. Is it normal to feel this way? How could I think of it to where it wont bother me?

- Hurt by Porn


Dear Hurt by Porn -

The reason he does not stop looking at porn is most likely because he is addicted.  Simply put, porn is a drug.  For nearly all men, porn can quickly arouse and excite men in a way that is incredibly satisfying.  Its a sudden rush of great feelings and emotions.  Its a drug.

And that is the beginning of the destruction that porn has on almost every single relationship out there.  For every one person who says porn enriches their relationship, there are 99 who will testify that it has caused serious harm.

The only way to "fix" this problem is for your boyfriend to stop viewing porn.  If he is sincere about it he will allow you to put filters on his computer, phone and will allow you to toss anything he has in his house.

Eventually, the desire for him to view porn will diminish but will probably never completely go away. If he is like most men who have been exposed to a significant amount of porn, he will have a life long struggle on his hands.

You are right to be bothered.  And if he is honest, he feels guilty when he does it.  That is the way we are made.

- Michael Webb

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Your question comes to me from so many girls and the guys vary from being surprised that porn is offensive, to being curious why, to being disgusted that porn is offensive. In explaining the answer to the guys, I often tell them that porn is designed to bring a fantasy to the screen because some guys just aren't smart enough to do whatever is on screen by themselves with their lady. Sometimes, the girlfriend doesn't want to do whatever the action is, and a guy is sometimes immature enough to leave her simply because she doesn't want to distort herself just for him.

I understand the way that a female's brain works better than a lot of men. I don't think this is because I had a twin sister and two younger sisters. I believe that the only barrier between me and the guys who have yet to understand women better is "want to". It is much easier not to communicate what each of you desires than to sit down and discuss it. At least, that's what the mantra of guys is. I think it is a load of crap. Communication would never stand in a guy's way if it was the difference between life and death. And in your case, it is...the life or death of a relationship. Beyond creating the emotion that you are not worth his attention, he's also killing any desire you have (or had) for him. Sometimes, all it takes is for a guy to hear it from the one he loves. Other times, it helps when another, wiser guy, just says it as it is.

~Norm M.~

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Porn is an issue that bothers many women because the women view it as a form of cheating, or it makes them feel very insecure about their own bodies and their relationship with their man.

Women often think that the female porn stars their men are watching, whether it be in magazines, movies, or on their computers are a threat to their relationship.

I often heard the saying growing up, "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU GET YOUR APPETITE, AS LONG AS YOU EAT AT HOME." Looking at women with perfect bodies doing things that may fulfill some sexual fantasies that men have may be nothing more than their way of blowing off some steam at the end of the day and a little mental excitement.
These women are NOT the women that are going to be their
partners, having their babies, and doing the chores around the house. They are strictly women of "fantasy time." 

Be honest and open about how you feel about it.

If he's making comparisons to you about their bodies - that's hurtful and unacceptable. If it becomes a daily thing and a true addiction, he needs to seek help. If your mate is using porn for their sole source of sexual gratification and not
fulfilling his role with you, then it is a BIG PROBLEM.

Ask him what it is about the particular porn he's viewing that excites him.

In a safe relationship, you can buy a flip camera and give him the opportunity to play "Steven Spielberg" and record you and the encounters you have together, which he can watch at times when he's alone.

TiKi

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It is very common for us women to be bothered by the fact that men watch porn. And that's because we see sex as more than a mere physical act, and see it as a coming together of emotions and souls. Men on the other hand can, or think they can separate sex from making love. That is why your boyfriend said he was sorry, but will continue to do it regardless. In his mind they are not connected.

Now you could nag him, and put your foot down, and stomp and whine and complain, but it probably won't do any good. If he is set on it, then he will continue to do it. But in continuing to watch porn after you have told him how much it upsets and bothers you shows a lack of respect for your feelings. I would take that tack with him - the respect angle. Men desire respect more than just about anything in this world, that is why they get so upset when they feel disrespected. Try not to get emotional the next time you bring the topic up with him, and don't bring it up at an awkward time, but bring it up as a matter of fact and state your reasons for disliking it. There is nothing that says you should get into watching porn with him. If it bothers you that he watches it, watching it with him will not help.

I am not even going to go into the other reasons we as women don't like porn - the degradation of women, the fact that those women all had boob jobs, and stomach liposuction, and so on, and are not a good sample of a real woman - those are all known by men and women alike, but it seems to not touch men on an emotional level when you bring those reasons up. SO sticking to the self respect and respecting you might bring you the results you desire.

- Corrine

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