Dear Michael -

I am 43 years old and have been married for 15 years. I expected a lot more from the bedroom then what I am receiving.

We make love an average of once per month. We have talked about the frequency of sex; my wife assumes that I want sex every night. I've told her that is not the case, but once a week or so would be awesome. About 5 years ago, we tried "scheduling" for every Saturday night. With our two children's sports/church/scouts schedules, we are often too tired, so the scheduling worked for a while.

Now my wife tells me that she would like it to be spontaneous which is fine with me, but we're back to the once a month thing with me usually asking (right now begging) for the once a month. We haven't done anything in the bedroom for about 6 weeks. Do you have any help/advice on how to make her desire sex more often?

Thanks,
Ken.

Dear Ken -

You are dealing with at least 3 issues here.  Hormones, Energy, Attraction.

There are parts of our lives where sex is on the brain often and we are easily aroused -- and there are periods of our lives where sex takes a back seat to most things.  Some of this is natural, some of this is a result of other factors.

Do a hormone assessment.

If your wife is on any medications it could make her libido crash. Other things in her diet could be factors as well.  There are plant-based hormones your wife could potentially take which make regulate her ability to feel horny. Do some research and/or discuss with a doctor.

Then there is the energy factor.

If a woman is overly stressed or tired, all she will want is sleep, not adult playtime.  If you are scheduling sex, then sometimes it is better to schedule it earlier in the day than in the evening when the body is ready to crash.  Sometimes we'll give the kids a special treat of being able to watch some kid's shows on TV for an hour in the morning so we can have our own entertainment back in the bedroom.

Is she attracted to you?

Men can have sex as a form a release. Women want to have sex as an expression of love.  Ask yourself some of these questions to consider if you are making yourself "attractive" to her.

* Are you well groomed - including oral hygiene

* Are you being loving and romantic throughout the week?

* Do you insult, yell at or belittle her?

* Do you have a lot or annoying habits that grate on her nerves? 

* Are you trying to please HER in bed  -- check out my tips on how to be a virtuoso lover

There could be other factors involved and hopefully my readers will chime in so they can share tips and advice.

Reader's responses:

Kudos to Ken for actually taking enough interest in his marriage to write in and ask for your advise.

I was with the same man for 13 years. We were married for 9 years in our late 30s early 40s. The last 3 years of our marriage our sex life was less than desirable (every 6 mths or so). Needless to say, we had other issues as well.... To this day, I could tell you how 97% of our intimate times were initiated, where they took place, the sequence of events including the looks and words exchanged, and about how long it would all take.

Try flirting with your wife! Maybe come up behind her with a light kiss on her neck - do it discreetly if others are around. Keep it playful and light! If she asks who you are and what you did with her husband - give a chuckle and say who knows - I just love you... Or whatever you are feeling (you just looked so beautiful standing there). Then move away and do something else (go back to yard work, the garage, wherever). Begin showing spontaneous signs of affection - and not expecting or mentioning sex - and you might be surprised at her reaction!

I don't think that men realize that it can be the little things like opening doors or holding a woman's hand, especially on a night out, that can make the difference between a good evening and a GREAT evening!

Once you have her willing participation, be sure to "mix-it up" through the rest of your adventure!

Best of Luck -
Sexless Susan