I hate my husbands goatee and no longer find him sexy. What should I do?

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Dear Michael: My husband has recently grown out a goatee and I am really struggling with it. I've always found him SO sexy and for whatever reason the goatee is really a turnoff to the point that I feel really uncomfortable kissing him/being intimate partly because of how it feels but mostly because of how it looks. I have expressed my concerns to him, wanting to be honest, and he is very hurt because he feels like I am saying I'm only attracted to him if he looks a certain way. (I find this untrue because I've seen him bald, blonde, bad haircut, good haircut, underweight, overweight, etc. and have never had this problem before). My argument is that in reverse, he's always requested I keep long hair because that's how he likes it, so I do, because I want to be attractive to him. I avoid wearing shirts he doesn't like, etc. So I feel like it is reasonable for me to ask him to shave it off. However, He likes that it makes him look older, wiser, etc. and is very intent on keeping it and thinks I am being unreasonable. Any advice/wisdom? I know you are so busy but if you have any time at all to respond it would help so much!! Thank you. - Cindy Dear Cindy - First, I'm wondering what kind of goatee your man has grown. Is it a short-manicured goatee or it is a big, scruffy, wilderness/homeless goatee? Men like wearing goatees for various reasons. For some, it is because they dont have to shave as often. For a few it is because goatees elongate the face (and hides double chins) and can make a guy look slimmer. Some do it to feel more "manly". And of course, in many circles, they are still pretty "hip". Or as your guy says, it makes him feel older and wiser which of course can be pretty important to a guy. If you have truly given yourself some time to get used to it on his face (hopefully he does keep it trimmed), then by all means he should strongly consider your feelings on the issue. After all, you have to look at it much more than he does. If my wife wanted me to shave my goatee off, I wouldn't hesitate at all to do so even though I have had it for most of the past 10 years. - Michael Reader's feedback: ................................... Dear Cindy: Years ago, my husband decided to grow a beard. I was fine with the idea at first, but as his beard grew in, I was becoming more repulsed by it. I had NO idea why. As you have stated, my hubby too has been in all sorts of physical states and I've loved him and desired him no matter what state he was in. I was extremely baffled at my own repulsion. Then one night as we were in bed kissing in the dark, I could feel his beard on my face and barely see the outline of his face and I had a flash back - it was a buried memory that I hadn't recalled since a very young girl. All I could see was my brother's bearded face over me - I was sexually molested as a very little girl by my brother and had turned off that memory for many years. I FINALLY made the connection with my repulsion to my husband's beard. I'm not saying that you have some hidden memory of abuse like I did but be open to any possible memories or associations that may be the underlying cause to your feelings about your husband's goatee. It could be something as simple as a bearded grandpa having bad breath when he kissed you on the cheek! Then if you find some negative associations, try to work through those feelings rather than hide them away. Don't be afraid to share those feelings with your husband so you can both work through them. As for my husband, he did a goatee instead of a beard. I've worked through my own pain and loss I experienced as a child and now see just my wonderful, loving husband wearing a really sexy goatee. :-) ......................................................... Cindy -

While I can certainly understand not appreciating the goatee, this man apparently is lovin' it! So I think a little compromise may be in order! Is there a hair style you've been dying to try out?! Maybe there is also a goatee compromise. Although he may be getting positive feedback outside of the home, it is so important that you give your blessings too.

My best advice for compromise is try going to a salon together where you can both try something new with your hair in hopes you can find some common ground. Is there a certain style of goatee you might find more attractive? Also, while there are downsides to the goatee ie scratchy/abrasive (which can be helped by using a good conditioner on the goatee)...there are also some super pleasant sides to the goatee. Texture can certainly make all the difference ;)

My last suggestion is to head to an answer site & look up goatee you may find some useful info there! Good LUCK!

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Cindy might need to rethink he way she's looking at her man's goatee. She says "the goatee is really a turnoff to the point that I feel really
uncomfortable kissing him/being intimate partly because of how it feels but mostly because of how it looks".

I would think it would have to be a wild mountain man goatee to be "uncomfortable for kissing and intimate because of how it feels".

My husband has what I like to refer to as "ever changing facial hair".

Everything from shaved, to a full beard, to a goatee, to a fu-man-chu, wolverine side burns and the likes.

He likes the change his facial hair as much as we women might like to change the color of our nail polish.

He too loves my long hair and I keep it that way for him and because I enjoy it as well. It's easy for women with long hair to change their looks from upsweeps, hi-lites, straight, wavy and even pony tails, while all maintaining length.

I've realized over our 25 years of marriage, that even the worst facial hair growth he's sported will eventually change - sometimes from comments from his buddies or co-workers - (but never from the love of his life ... me! lol) ... or sometimes because he'll get bored with the style or it's upkeep.

Asking him to keep it neat for intimate times IS totally reasonable.

If it leaves pink or red marks from aggressive kissing, etc. - THEN you have something to complain about and something to show him as to it's leaving marks on your skin.

Otherwise, let it go. There are way too many more important issues in life than giving him grief over something that he's enjoying from the way it makes him feel, as you letter stated, "older and wiser".

- Tina

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To Cindy:

My wife didn't like it when I started growing my goatee either. I let it grow long and kept it neat, but she just didn't like it. So, I trimmed it short. I thought it was great, but she still didn't like it. Then one night I was watching a movie with a character who had a goatee only on the chin, his top lip was bare. I tried it that night. I trimmed my chin way down and shaved my lip and she loved it. My wife said that I have nice lips and I was hiding them. This is the way I have worn my facial hair ever since. Just a thought for one last way to save the goatee. If that still doesn't float your boat, I am sure he would be fine with shaving it off for you. Ultimately, he desires you to be happy and attracted to him.

Best of Luck,

Ronnie

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