Dear Michael -

What do you do when the urges for sex have died. I am 50 and am going through menopause. Though my husband says he doesn't need sex as much any more either I am very disappointed that my sex drive is hardly there anymore. I am on Paxil and my husband thinks that may have killed my desires. Please help.

Thanks,
Mary

Dear Mary -

It is completely natural for a woman's (and man's) sex drive to have peaks and valleys. During menopause is a natural time for it to decrease.  Although since you are disappointed that it has "died", it would seem to me that perhaps the complete lack of sex drive is a bit unnatural and could very likely be connected to your use of Paxil. It is a common side effect.  You can talk with your doctor about this and see if there are other options. Many doctors are overly quick to put you on medications and not help you with alternate therapies and diets that could help you with the root cause of your depression or anxiety. 

It sounds like you are really wanting to please your husband and I admire you for that. You don't have to be "in the mood" to do that.  While men do love to bring their wives to earth-shattering orgasms, we don't mind if you tell us "tonight honey - it is just for you" and allow him to be released and satisfied.  And hopefully he will reciprocate some times with the intimacy that would be most meaningful to you.

Reader's responses:

I suffer from depression, but for a number of reasons I am off meds right now--only taking an anxiety med and it helps me cope.

I did take Paxil and while it helped a great deal with the depression, it DID suppress my sex drive. I talked with my doctor who put me on another brand--can't remember which one, but it helped.

Also, for some reason about four years ago my sex drive kicked into high--my husband of almost 45 yrs and I have never quite figured out why, but this is the closest we have ever been. In our mid 60's we are enjoying a fulfilling life in every way. One hint--we are lower middle class income, but we've made time and $ to take inexpensive weekends away about 4 times a year. These "second honeymoons" are so much fun and "private." We're the envy of much younger friends who are shocked that our close relationship includes ALL aspects of love! I just smile.

P.S. Don't be afraid to discuss this with your doctor. My husband and I see the same wonderful female GP and her male Physician's Assistant. We go for our physicals together. They are both younger and are delighted that we enjoy sex at our age--and always have samples to give my husband, who sometimes uses one of the drugs men of his age occasionally need. We are NOT embarrassed and neither are these great medical professionals. Open up to your doctor. If he or she makes you uncomfortable, find a better one!