Dear Michael -

I have recently been engaged (less than a month), and both me and my fiance are virgins. We have started fooling around but we agreed that we'll save the sex till we're married.

The problem is that i haven't been able to have an orgasm till now and I'm getting a bit worried since I don't know if this is normal or not, especially since we're having oral sex and he uses his hands. When he does use his hands, its ok at the beginning but then it kinds of starts hurting after a while. The thing is, I used to masturbate before and i did have orgasms!

He doesn't seem to have the same problem though. Is there something wrong with me? or is it him? Do you have any suggestions or advice that can help me out here?

Thanks,
N.S.

Dear N.S. -

I first feel like I should comment on the "saving sex for marriage" part of your question. Surprisingly, a lot of young people have the false notion that you are only having sex if intercourse is involved. From pretty much all angles (religious, cultural, legal, etc.) any person to person contact with genitals is considered sex.  So you are your boyfriend are having sex outside of marriage.  You are having just about all the benefits and almost all the potential risks of having "full-on" sex.

In my opinion women are a lot more delicate and complex when it comes to orgasms. In general, men are pretty easy to get off.  Bringing women to orgasm is very much an art and a science.  You are able to bring yourself to orgasm because you are very much in tune with your own body.  This will take time for your husband to learn. It is important that you let him know with words or sounds where you like to be touched and how you like to be touched.  Let him know if you want it harder, gentler, wetter, faster, slower, etc.  He's not a mind reader.  And if his fingering is painful, let him know.  Bony fingers are not the same as a muscular penis. Fingers can do wonders but they can also do some damage. 

Reader's responses:

I completely agree with Michael. Oral sex is sex and deep inside of me I knew it was wrong before marriage.  Sex is so much better when there is no guilt involved.

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Dear N.S.
 
I commend you for attempting to not go all the way until Marriage. I understand your problem and feel I might be able to shed a little light.
 
As a person who for many years has probably said "NO" to boyfriends and who is now starting to say "Yes" to your Fiancé there is often a bit of guilt involved. I have a feeling their is part of you who feels like you should maybe not even be having oral sex yet. It takes a while to feel comfortable with saying yes and feeling like it is ok. This can happen even after Marriage because you are so use to having to say "NO" in the past. 
 
Women do not just orgasm from their genitals it comes mostly from our mind. If we are stressed out, worried, guilty, or nervous the big O may never come.
 
 If both you and your are Fiancé virgins I am going to assume that neither of you has much experience in this department. It takes practice and a lot of communication to get a woman to climax. You know your bodies signals but he does not. Most men don't pick up on subtleties so tell him I like this, don't do that, please stop that hurts. In time he will learn what works for you. I recommend taking him by the hand and showing him what speed, movement and pressure you like then there is less room for error.
 
As for the pain it may be due to a lack of lubrication. Again if you are worried or nervous this might not happen naturally. You may want to invest in a good personal lubricant.
 
From experience check your heart if you feel guilty or uncomfortable then stop an wait until after you are married to explore each others bodies, they will wait. Open the lines of communication with your Fiance and it the climax will come and don't worry about getting to orgasm the more you worry about it the less chance it will come because you need to be relaxed.
 
I hope this helps
 
SMW