Dear Sex Answers:

I recently married my wife 8mths ago, it was a long distance
relationship before we got married, then I moved across the ocean to be with her 3 days after we were married. We are a lesbian couple. But almost as soon as we were married I noticed a decline in our sex life.

As lesbians, we didn't have sex like most couple do, we had to improvise, and when we met up we were like bunnies going at it. Don't get me wrong, I know when you're married the sex life does decline, but I never expected it to decline this much. When we do have sex, on that rare occasion, she only plays with my clit. She won't use any sex toys, or even her fingers inside of me. She also won't let me touch her and please her.

We have had endless discussions over this. I feel insecure because I'm not getting any intimacy, and she doesn't want intimacy. She says sex isn't on the top of her list of priorities, she has too much stress going on. And keeps repeating "It has nothing to do with you, it's me". One time I suggested we go to sex therapy to get to the bottom of this, but that just ended up in an argument. I've tried bringing it up again a few times after that but to no avail, she either avoids it altogether, or comes up with endless excuses like "It costs too much
money", "I have no time, I'm working too much", "I don't want to talk about our sex life with anybody" I even suggested marriage counseling, but got the same response.

But recently, I have been having thoughts of going elsewhere and cheating on my wife just so I can "feel" the other person, and remember what it's like to touch somebody else. I don't want to, but I just have this urge to go elsewhere so I can feel attractive, feel that I can turn somebody on and feel the intimacy that I am not getting at home. I have discussed this with my wife, but she doesn't seem to believe I will do this, but this urge is getting stronger.

I was just wondering if you could help in maybe helping me to talk to my wife about going to therapy, or even ways to maybe get the intimacy back in our relationship. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
S.M

S.M.

If your lesbian "wife" was beating you every night would you stay in the relationship?  Well, withholding affection is another form of abuse and you will never be satisfied in a relationship where your basic needs are being neglected.

If she doesn't want to work on this fundamental issue then I suggest you pack you bags and cut your losses.

- Michael

Dear S.M. -

After reading your letter, I was concerned on several fronts. Your lesbian partner may have been comfortable with a "long distance" relationship where real physical intimacy wasn't required. Her pulling away and distancing herself from you, as you stated, "almost as soon as we were married" and the constant excuses for not being intimate, as well as not wishing for counseling of any type leads me to believe you are in a very one sided relationship.

Sex doesn't have to diminish after you get married and if people allow it to, they are both doing themselves a great disservice.

Already feeling like you want to seek out someone else after
8 months of marriage to feel attractive and to get the intimacy
you aren't getting at home isn't the answer.

If you feel this way, it's best to walk away from the relationship. Her refusal to work on your relationship should be the writing on the wall.

TiKi
 

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