Michael --

I'm 28 yrs old and a mother of two boys aged 8 and 4. I'm a HR Manager and my husband a businessman my husband gets home everyday past midnight and he drinks on daily basis. I feel very lonely at times.

We only have sex when he needs it and it lasts for about 5 minutes. He does not even prepare me and at times its even painful.

I feel very frustrated to an extent of thinking that i should look for someone else to satisfy me. Whenever i talk to him about it he says that he has to meet with business colleagues and since I lack nothing material then sex is nothing to complain about. He would understand if a complaining about food or something else.

Please help me before thing gets out of hand

Lonely Woman.

 

Dear Lonely Woman -

I am sorry for your situation.  From what you describe, there is a high likelihood that your husband is having an affair -- or at least is having someone else take care of sexual urges. That, combined with his alcoholism (yes, he's an alcoholic) is a scary thing.  Of course he won't even consider quitting until he thinks he has a problem so that might not be something worth pushing right now.

It seems like your main concern is with the intimacy.  There are ways to prolong the act so that it is more enjoyable for you.  For example, when he wants to hump you like a bunny, gently glide down so your head is at his waist and kiss, lick, nibble and suck on everything from his belly button down to his knees.  Hopefully he will take the hint and reciprocate.  It will give you much needed time to get your "juices flowing" so that when the intercourse happens, then it is far more enjoyable for you.

Another way for you to be in control is to get him on his back and you ride him.  He'll enjoy the view and access to your breasts and you can control the rhythm and speed of things so you get more pleasure.  When you are done, you can assume the position(s) that your husband enjoys to be able to shoot his load.

Sadly, there are a lot of men who will cheat on their women simply for a great blow job. If you aren't pleasing him in that way, that is quite possible what his "late meetings" are all about.  Check out my Blow by Blow ebook and make sure you know the techniques that make your many quiver.

Dear Lonely Woman ~

It appears that your husband looks at "material" things as a replacement for what he's not willing or not able to give you as his wife. Men put a lot of stress on themselves to be a good provider and it can turn into such pressure that his "business nights out" and drinking are just a way he's trying to cope with it.

In a loving relationship, intimacy, whether it be through the form of touch, glances, smiles, intercourse AND most importantly communication are as much a "need" as food and water are to life itself.

Arrange for a baby sitter and plan a night out with your husband on a night he's not working. During this dinner, let him know that while material "things" are nice, you are willing to give up some of them to be able to spend more time with him and for him to spend more time with your children.

Having his full attention over dinner without the distractions of home, children or the TV will help.

Please don't go about this in a confrontational way.

Make a written list ahead of time and show it to him. First of how you "rank" the people in your life ~ and also of how you rank other material things in your life.

He will see IN WRITING - that him spending time with you, date nights, and love making sessions that aren't squeezed in
between 1:00 AM and 1:05 AM are at the top of your list.

Without drama, give him this note, scented with the perfume you are wearing that night and ask him to keep it in his wallet. A smile, a wink and a note will usually go much farther with a man than nagging (at which point, they usually mute you out after the third word anyway). :-)

Taking a lover to replace what you aren't getting at home might feed an immediate "want," but will not fill the void and the "need" in your relationship with your husband. It will most likely only further drive a wedge between the two of you.

TiKi

****************************

Dear Lonely Woman:
I am sorry you are going through this. Several red flags are raised for me right off the bat:


• The going out every night and his claim that he needs to meet with business colleagues. I very much doubt that he needs to go out EVERY night of the week. I bet if you made a couple of discreet calls to his colleagues/boss, you would discover a different story.


• The need to drink every day - that is a problem. Until he acknowledges it as a problem, nothing else will change.


• HIs selfish thinking - 'you have food and a roof over your head. Why do you want good sex too?' That is a selfish, very narrow-minded approach to life, let alone your marriage. It's not even as if he is the only one contributing financially to the marriage (it wouldn't matter if he was either). The fact is, right now he is living alongside you, not with you. And he doesn't care because all his needs are being met.


The solution is NOT to look for someone else. Let's say, for argument's sake that you did and he found out about it and decided to call the marriage quits (and the majority of men statistically speaking do). That is ammo for him against you. It doesn't matter what his conduct was, you have to prove you're the better person in court. But on an emotional level, the amount of guilt you would feel would be overwhelming and at the end of the day would not solve anything.


It is apparent though, that he is not listening to you or responding to your needs, and in fact dismisses those needs. In this situation I think the two of you need to go to counseling - there are underlying issues here and sex is just one way it is manifesting itself. The drinking and staying out late are other manifestations of a bigger issue. You have so much at stake here, with your two sons to think about as well.


I would say find a good counselor in your area and insist that the two of you go. Even if he says he doesn't need it. If he says that say you do and need his support. Don't make it an option.


And, I hate to say it, but it is possible that he is having an affair himself. What does your gut tell you? At the very least, even if he is not meeting business colleagues every night, he is somewhere until midnight. Can you access his bills, receipts etc.?


Sex is really the least of your problems at this time - saving your marriage is.

Cori

************************************

READER'S RESPONSES:

Speaking from experience, I would also suspect the husband is going outside of their marriage relationship for sexual satisfaction. But what the panel answers forgot, is that the wife HAS to be open with her doctor about that possibility, and get herself checked for ALL STDs. If her husband has been physically unfaithful, she cannot trust him with her health and life. There is time to build a new sex life with him when he commits to fidelity.