Dear Sex Answers:

I've been thinking about writing you for months, and I just can't stand it anymore. I love my husband dearly, but what if I can't stand how he looks without his clothes. I don't want to be shallow, but he's slightly overweight. No matter how aroused I am, it's often gone as soon as I see him without his clothes or feel his body near me. Making love with the lights out isn't very exciting to me, but it works out okay. We've talked about his weight, but he's not very motivated to
exercise and eat right.

I keep telling myself that our love is what matters; looks don't
matter. I don't know why it's so important to me. We saved sex for marriage, and I don't regret that. I would have married him even if I did know how he looked naked, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little disappointed. Now I'm trying really hard not to be attracted to other guys. I feel so terrible.

Also, I can't get him to de-clutter his stuff; this is also a major turn-off. If I put it away, I'm so tired and aggravated that sex is the last thing on my mind. In fact, that's what prompted me to write.

I planned a great evening and prepared myself emotionally and physically to have a great time and not think about his physical appearance, but I walked into a room full of junk and knew I would feel less than romantic after I cleaned it.

Sincerely, Anonymous Writer
 

Dear Anonymous Writer

I'm glad you have gotten this off your chest.  But hopefully you have vented to your husband as well.  You don't want to be a nag about it, but you can clearly explain that you'd love to have energy to please him in the bedroom but all the work you are doing around the house and looking at his mess is physically draining.

Your man is lazy. You can't make him not lazy but you can explain your frustrations in a calm and loving way.  And if you have enough funds, it might be wise to spring for a housekeeper.   Its cheaper than a counselor.

Michael

Dear Anonymous Writer

I can't help but wonder if you'd be able to look the other way
on the weight issue, if you weren't feeling like you are also
his housekeeper!

It's not fair for you to do all the work - period. If he gets off his duff and helps, it'll burn some calories too! If you do the cooking at the house, make some substitutions to cut the calories, but not the taste and let him do the dishes.

Suggest night time walks with the dog or through the neighborhood together - it's a great time to talk about
how each of you spent your day and reconnect.

There's nothing wrong with telling him that you really want to
soak in a bubble bath while he cleans up the kitchen (insert
appropriate chore here! lol) tell him that after he's finished,
to come get you from the tub, light some candles ahead of time in the bedroom and get back to feeling like you're his wife in the bed,  not his maid.

:-)
TiKi
 

Dear Anonymous Writer:

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” “Beauty is skin deep.” “It’s what’s inside that is important.” These and other aphorisms are drummed into kids, but the reality is, we all want to be with someone who is physically attractive. I’m not talking Patrick Dempsey-attractive, but someone who appeals to us. Your husband must find you physically attractive, otherwise he would not have married you.

It is a well known truth that men look in the mirror and see a stud reflected back at them, even if they have a gut that can rival a 10-month pregnant woman, whereas women look in the mirror and nitpick every small detail of their bodies (oftentimes only they can see the fault). Talking to your husband about weight is probably not going to impact him – he may agree with you, but unless he is motivated to change, he will continue to do what he is doing now – nothing. Talking to him about his health and future risks might be a better tack to take. Tie it into his ability to work and earn a bright future for you and any kids you might have.

You mention that he is not motivated to eat right – I am not sure whether you both work full time and therefore eat many meals apart, or who the cook is in your home. If you are the cook, then eliminate the junk food from your menus and from the pantry shelves. Just making small changes make a big difference. If he is the chef of the house, suggest changes he can make to the menu. Suggest that you work out together a couple of times a week before or after work. There is something fun about sweating it out together that increases the camaraderie, and in turn attracts you more to him.

Think about what caused you to fall in love with him in the first place. Focusing on the negative is a path you don’t want to take. Already you’re comparing him to other men and he is falling short. But you are comparing his weakness to their strengths (physical attractiveness) and in reality you have no idea what those men are really like. BUT you do know your husband and what you like and love about him. I challenge you, the next time you start to dwell on his physical appearance and wish he looked more like so-and-so, immediately banish that thought and instead think about something positive – his sense of humor for example. There have to be things about him you appreciate, think of those.

More than that, tell him you appreciate those things. You’d be amazed at what positive reinforcement can do, and how it affects other aspects of the relationship. A friend of mine, who is an OB, wrote a book recently where he described one patient who came to him with the same kind of issues you’re facing. She was not sexually attracted to her husband because he was overweight. He challenged her to do what I suggested, but then went one step further. “Think of one physical attribute your husband has that you like.”
“But Dr., I can’t think of any.”
“Try.” He said.
She went home that night and thought really hard. Then when her husband came home she said, “Honey, I think you have sexiest shins ever!” (She told my friend later that was all she could think of!) The next morning she woke up to find her husband already up, and pulling a pair of sweats on. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“Well. I want to make sure my shins stay in good shape,” he told her. “I’m going for a walk.”
Sounds simplistic, but it worked.

As for the de-cluttering issue, I can understand where you’re coming from. Cleaning up after someone puts you in ‘mom’ role, not ‘sexy wife’ role and to be expected to be romantic when you’ve gone around the house cleaning up dirty socks and underwear, and car keys, and bills and a million other things is not conducive to hot bedroom antics. Nagging is not the answer – but you probably already figured that one out on your own. I would suggest that you sit him down at a time when you are both relaxed and explain that you are not his mother but his wife and expecting you to clean up after him is unfair. He may not see the clutter that he is leaving, so be specific. Don’t accuse, but just be matter of fact. Then decide how much clutter you are willing to live with as you go through the transition period, because there is no way change will occur overnight. And lay down some rules – for example, if you do the laundry in the house tell him, ‘only clothes that make it into the basket will be washed. Letters and bills not put in their correct place will make it into the trash,’ and so on. And then stick to your guns. And don’t nag or even say a word. Make it a non-issue and something you are not prepared to argue over. In that way there is no power struggle.

I really hope you can work through these and rediscover the love you had that allowed you to say ‘yes’ when he proposed to you.

Cori
 

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