Dear Michael -

I had a question. me and my husband have been married for over 16 years and lately the only time he's in the mood to have sex is after he watches a porn. He doesn't want to have sex any other time... and he has to watch it for at least 30 minutes before he can even get it up. I was wondering is there a reason for this?

- Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous -

The reasoning is very simple.  He is addicted to porn.  Just like someone can eventually get to the point that they can't fall asleep without a sleeping pill, your husband can't get  aroused without porn.  The fact that he can get aroused indicates to me that this isn't merely an erectile disfunction issue.

For many, it doesn't stop there.  Not only do they need increasing amount of porn, but they need it to be more graphic or violent in order to get an erection. 

These men simply see so much porn, they become desensitize to sex as a whole.  Yet they continue to crave it and desire it to fill the "hole" that is in their life.

An addiction support group might be of help.  I would recommend that you read up on porn addiction to see what is the best way to help your husband.  If he is willing, then you need to be proactive in policing his computer (putting on filters) and making sure no porn gets into the house. Of course he has to be at the point where he sees it as a problem for this to occur.

Additionally, he might need more manual stimulation in order to become erect and he might be stimulating himself while he watches the porn.  You should see if he would allow you to stimulate him (with your hand or mouth) instead.  He *might* be willing to forego the porn. 

READER'S RESPONSES:

You started out your answer to this woman's question stating it was a simple answer... porn addiction.

WHOA BUDDY..... did you consider the age of the husband? Just because they had only been married 16 years doesn't mean he is just in his 30's.... or 40's, he could well be into his 50's or even 60's. There might be an erectile disfunction he is dealing with and rather than have himself or his wife manually stimulate his penis he might want to watch another couple doing it for visual stimulation. Some people are visual.. others tactile, others mentally ( I love to read erotica) and some others are auditorially stimulated ( all I have to do sometimes is moan a little in hubby's ear to get him randy ). It could be his age.. some men as they get older can't get it going as quickly as they did in their teens( when the wind just had to shift directions) or their twenties or even thirties. There might be a physical problem he is experiencing that is delaying the erection or preventing it so that he feels porn might help.
To say that he is addicted to porn as the only answer is as bad as saying he is having an affair and can't get it up with his wife without looking at porn first.

I would suggest TALKING to her husband first. Broach the subject during a neutral time (not while watching porn), talking about your concerns about his physical health or even his thoughts on why he needs to watch it before you have sex. It might very well be a porn addiction but to over generalize and state that this is the only answer is well.. just that.. over generalizing.