Dear Lovemaking Answers -


I don't know if this is the place to ask this question or not. And may I say that I absolutely want this to be kept anonymous.


My husband and I have been married for a long time - 28 years. It has not been going well lately. In fact - we just had an 11 week stint of mostly silence. Excruciating. I had been seriously considering a trial separation - to try to get his attention.


It is a long story - so to make it quick - my husband has a history of clinical depression - and the last few years it has manifested itself in new ways. Because it was not the same as the last bout with depression, my husband denied there was a problem - even though I could clearly see there was a problem with anger and withdrawal.


Anyhoo - last week my husband seemed to have made a 'shift' - apologies, admissions, acts of kindness and respect. My heart rejoiced, but  was still leery about trusting this 'shift'. Only time could heal the hurts - one day at a time.


Now - on to how this relates to your expertise in the area of sex.... my husband has always had a stronger sex drive than I have, but I do enjoy sex when it is a celebration of our love and not a replacement for other kinds of intimacy. About 5 days after my husbands 'shift' - he verbalized that he was 'interested'. I made it very clear in no uncertain terms that I was not ready to resume that part of our marriage. That after the hell we had been through, it was going to take a time for me to feel trusting in that area.


Previous to our 11 weeks of hell - - - and at a time when we were communicating honestly - - - I had shared with him how I was starting to want sex less because he was nicer to me right after we had sex - - and then it was like it wore off and he would be kind to me again the next time we had sex. I started to feel like I was manipulating him with sex - so he would be nice to me again.


So - when my husband indicated he was 'interested' - I reiterated the above conversation - and he said being nicer to your wife right after you have sex is just a natural thing for a man to do. I totally disagree - and in fact feel he is shooting himself in the foot by following that pattern...... guaranteeing less sex because his partner does not feel loved and appreciated for who she is - not because she satisfies a need he has.


Am I being completely unrealistic? Any help or words of wisdom in regard to this problem, would be greatly appreciated. I don't know who else to talk to about this.


Sincerely
Me.



Dear Me ~

I'm not sure if your husband is open to counseling or not, but  with both a history of depression and now a possible trial separation looming that might be a good first step.

Men do view the act of sex as being "accepted" and "loved" by their wives.  So him being nicer after is not something uncommon.

Women often make a HUGE mistake by treating sex as a tool. Dolled out when they think their men "deserve" it and holding back when they think he hasn't "earned" it.

Those qualifications for sex are not part of marriage vows because thinking like that is unhealthy itself.

I'm not saying that you should be verbally abused by a man and then jump in the sack.  I'm just saying that if the silent treatment is over  and you are going about your daily routine, holding back and still resenting what happened is a very unhealthy thing for you. You're holding on to hurt and having a mental list of things he must say or do before you will allow him the closeness of sex with you again.

If you are this unhappy in the relationship tell him you want to go see a marriage counselor.  If he is willing, go!!! If he is not willing, tell him it's the only other option you wanted to pursue before a trial separation. If you go, lay it all out on the line and do not hold back. Keeping score of past hurts is in effect putting a border around your heart that he may never be able to crawl back over.

TiKi

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Dear Me -

Men are nice after sex if they love you.  If you are having a one night stand with a guy -- he will most likely be mean to you if he was just using you for sexual gratification and doesn't want a relationship.  So, it sounds like to me that you have had some previous sexual relationships with men who you had no real relationship with.  And possibly, because they rejected you after sex, you wanted them even more and chased after your "dream".  You might want to bring that up in counseling as I think that is part of your marriage problems.

- Michael Webb

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