Dear Sex Answers:


I am an extremely frustrated 38 year old man. I have am in love with the most wonderful women in the world and quite honestly, only have one complaint about her. (I am sure you find that hard to believe, but very true) My one complaint is her desire to make love. Well, she has NONE. I mean that literally.

She could live life and never have sex, at least with me. I can only hope she is not getting it somewhere else. She will soon be 35 years old and I thought around this age is when women reach their sexual prime. As I stated, I am 38, and quite frankly, hornier than a rabbit. I came from a relationship with my previous girlfriend were we had sex, on average, twice a day, but she turned into a psycho women so I ended it.

My relationship now, I am lucky for sex twice a month. I am going crazy. Now, I have read a couple of your articles when women right and say they are on Paxil or other anti depressants. My better half is on Paxil. I actually asked her gynecologist myself if there were any pills or any other way to improve her sex drive. The doctor said prescription wise, no.

The doctor did say the Natural formula in Femitral (a pill that is to increase libido in women) is very effective. I talked her into taking it and she has been on it a month, and nothing. She always says, she makes love to me for me. She doesn't need any satisfaction. As your one letter said, men are ok with this from time to time, and you are right, but not
ALL the time. I want to make her orgasm but she don't want me too. She NEVER lets me go down on her or use any clitoris stimulation toys or techniques. I may have gone down on her 3 times in the almost 5 years we've been together. She says she just wants to please me, but the problem is, I want to please her but she will not let me.

I would be happy with just going down on her, making her orgasm of course, and never penetrating her (not all the time of course, but I am sure you know what I mean). Now, I am not so shallow of a man that I would consider ending our relationship or cheating on her because of this, but I sure can understand now why guys do cheat on their significant others.

The one nice thing is that we are very open about talking about the issue, and she seems receptive to solutions, but nothing seems to work. I have read a couple of your books, I gave her some of your coupons but nothing has been successful. Is there anything you can suggest? I love my lady with all my heart and sole, but this is really killing me.

Thanks so much.
Jim


 

Jim -

Dear Jim

The fact that you love and are so committed to your wife,  despite your lack of physical intimacy is admirable. Focusing on the fact that she's perfect for you in every other respect, being thankful and helping her grow to see what else could "be" may be a work in progress with her.

Though your relationship can't be built entirely on the physical realm, as made evident from your relationship where you were having sex 2 times a day, yet she was "psycho," the physical portion is a HUGE part a giving/receiving, healthy and loving partnership.

After reading your question several times through, a few things jump out at me.

Your wife is on Paxil - assumably for depression. Ask yourself why she takes medicine for depression and if this depression, along with her thought process of being able to go her whole life without sex and telling you she doesn't need
any sexual satisfaction - isn't part of a bigger, underlying story.

Throwing more drugs, such as Femitral, into her system won't necessarily override possible mental undercurrents if any
of the following are in her past:

Sexual abuse (either as a child, date rape, or abuse from a former partner) or even imbedded wrong beliefs that sex is dirty or wrong that she could have be taught as a child.

I don't think additional "magic pills" are the answer here.

I think making her feel secure enough to dive deeper into why she's on depression meds and even talking separately, then together, to a counselor or sex therapist might be the first step to pulling her into the physical side of your marriage.

TiKi

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READER'S RESPONSES:

See if you can convince her to go off Paxil. Shortly after my husband and I were married my regular doctor put me on an antidepressant, and then didn't believe me when I said I was having sexual side effects (lack of drive) from it because my husband and I had only been having sex for a few months and she decided it was just that we needed practice.

Seven months later I finally went to a psychiatrist and told him I wanted a drug WITHOUT the side effects. I am now on another drug which has limited-no sexual side effects, and the difference it makes is unbelievable. It has been hard, and my husband and I are still working to establish a physical relationship, because having the entire beginning of my experience and our experience being nothing for me (and really, therefore negative over time) gets a mindset deep in you, and it's hard to get out of. However, now that the drugs are out of my system, it is possible and it is getting better.

I am SO grateful I changed doctors and switched drugs; that really was the key holding me back from wanting sex or being able to find enjoyment in it. There are so many anti-depressants out there, there is no reason to be on one that strains a relationship. It doesn't help to stop being depressed if you then are always stressed because you know you aren't meeting your partner's needs! Good luck!