Dear Michael,

I've been thinking about writing you for months, and I just can't stand it anymore. I love my husband dearly, but what if I can't stand how he looks without his clothes? I don't want to be shallow, but he's slightly overweight. No matter how aroused I am, it's often gone as soon as I see him without his clothes or feel his body near me. Making love with the lights out isn't very exciting to me, but it works out okay. We've talked about his weight, but he's not very motivated to exercise and eat right.

I keep telling myself that our love is what matters; looks don't matter. I don't know why it's so important to me. We saved sex for marriage, and I don't regret that. I would have married him even if I did know how he looked naked, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little disappointed. Now I'm trying really hard not to be attracted to other guys. I feel so terrible.

Also, I can't get him to de-clutter his stuff; this is also a major turn-off. If I put it away, I'm so tired and aggravated that sex is the last thing on my mind. In fact, that's what prompted me to write. I planned a great evening and prepared myself emotionally and physically to have a great time and not think about his physical appearance, but I walked into a room full of junk and knew I would feel less than romantic after I cleaned it.

Sincerely, Anonymous Writer
 

Dear AW -

I am sorry you are in this situation.  It is becoming more and more common as women watch hours and hours of TV and movies each week featuring gorgeous men. Additionally, you have magazines and romance novels that are all about the physical appearance as well.  You probably can't get those fantasies out of your mind.  But that's not the whole story.

If a man is dirty or sloppy-looking, it is completely understandable how that would be off-putting. 

I suspect that there is a lot more going on in your mind than just seeing your husbands less-than-fit body.  I think you are letting your resentment of him follow you into the bedroom. You are mad at him for being messy, not eating well, refusing to exercise and perhaps a host of other irritating habits.

If you don't love him, it is difficult for you to make love to him.  For men, that is not so much of an issue.

I don't know how deep-seeded your issues are but you might need some marriage counseling to put all that on the table and begin talking them out. If you don't want to go the counseling route, you need to at least be open with your husband and let him know which of his traits you are having big problems with, which is affecting your performance in the bedroom.

Reader's responses:

I think there is more going on that just being turned off by
her husband's physical look.

A messsy house? Hire a maid if it hinders your love life.
Not in the budget? I've told my husband that there's nothing
I find more attractive than a man with a mop in hand and
a clean house when I get home. If he knows that helping
out around the house will get him more intimate time with
me, he turns into a cleaning fool! :-)

I noticed that she didn't mention that he was unclean, unshaved or didn't use deodorant (all major NO-NO's for anyone! lol), she said simply that he was "slightly overweight".

If the shoes were on the other foot, and she were to have
gained a little weight or even worse, had a mastectomy or
even a car wreck resulting in some scaring or even a
limb amputation, I'm certain she would expect him to still
love her regardless of a small outward change.

Maybe the next time they are making love, she should
concentrate on looking into his eyes and seeing the love
he has for her.

A woman has a hard time giving herself to someone she's
no longer in love with, especially if she already has her
eyes on someone else. Anything can become an excuse to
not have sex.

If she can't look him in the eyes, then her eyes may have already wandered to greener (or in this case, thinner) pastures.

Tina
Alabama

P.S. -- Assuming this is NOT the case, maybe try rekindling some of that passion - you don't have to get a many completely undressed for some HOT,  spur of the moment sex. Simply walk up to him, turn on your charm and once he is aroused, unzip his pants and have your way with him while wearing an easy to access skirt.

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If what the poster says is true, that the real issue is his body and messiness, use positive reinforcement to help him change his behavior. Tell him a clean house (or bedroom) puts you in the mood. Then follow through with positive reinforcement. This means when he spend 10 hours a week at the gym, you praise him and give him lovin' (no complaining that he is taking time away from you). If he makes the house spotless, jump his bones (no saying "You just did that because...")

If you do this, you will have (at most) three chances to follow through. If his change in behavior does not result in enthusiastic attraction, he will lose trust.