Dear Michael -

Boy do I have one for you! I'm sure this is something others have struggled with so maybe you can word this so it can help others too.

My husband and I were watching that show about the lie detector test and the contestants can win money if they don't lie. Well, we tried to use that show to get us closer and learn more about each other. One of the questions was, unfortunately, Do you have a sexual experience in your past you would be embarrassed about if anyone found out?

My husband was a very promiscuous person before me and has told me things I really wish he hadn't. It wasn't necessarily TO me, it was more, when we were out with friends they would come out.

I was not a promiscuous person at all before him. But I do have one incident I wasn't really too comfortable with and regret. But I haven't ever told anyone. So he answered the question no, and I, not thinking of the consequences, said Yes. Ugh, this has been something he can't let go for the last week and a half. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't that it was bad, I just feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed and wouldn't be comfortable sharing it. He says I've driven a wedge in our marriage and his trust.

Am I wrong not to share it? I have never wished so hard that I could turn back time and LIE to him with that question. I have never lied to him and 5 years of marriage is suddenly deeply marred because of this stupid question. This is the problem with any premarital sexual experiences!

Please help me find a way to get this out of the way and allow him to feel comfortable with me again. I thought about just making something silly up but that would just deepen the negative feelings for me.


Please sign me,
Regretfully honest

Dear Regretfully honest -

I can't imagine a situation where you would lie about having had intercourse in the past (if you were going to be sexually intimate with a new person). You absolutely must be honest about that so he/she can take all the proper precautions.
However, it is usually a very bad idea to go into details about your past experiences. Your partner does NOT need to know the location, position you used, how long it lasted, etc. While, those might to titillating details and momentarily exciting to relive/share, those images will come back to haunt both of you

When the question comes up regarding your past sexual experiences, you should say something like: "I have had a few sexual experiences as I dated over the years but nothing I want to remember."

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READERS RESPONSES:

I don't agree or feel there is a need in sharing ALL the details of your past either. However, now that it has come up, I don't see a harm in sharing (in minimal detail). I believe in honesty so I wouldn't make up some fake story. I feel that you should share your experience with him as I feel this would bring you closer. It may be liberating. Right now your situation doesn't seem too great at home because of this. If your husband is trustworthy, approachable, sweet, caring, and there for you for everything, I would think you should feel comfortable sharing with your partner since the question came up. It's in the past and it's a part of who you are now and he should accept whatever it is you are going to share. He has no right to hold it against you.

However, if you are TRULY not comfortable at all sharing this, he should respect this. It has nothing to do with your relationship now. He can't hold this against you either.

From:

100% honestly