Dear Lovemaking Answers:

My husband has been wanting to try anal for a while and I don't like the thought of it to much. I want to please him but I feel like he doesn't want to have sex with me very much anymore since I told him.

I don't want to try it because I've heard alot of bad stuff about it. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel he's trying to guilt me in to trying it. What can I do?

Anonymous

First off, NEVER let anyone "GUILT YOU" into doing something you don't wish to do. It's your body and YOU have the final say of "WHAT" goes "WHERE".

Talking about it away from the bedroom is the best place
because during the heat of the moment isn't.

If you thought you'd get a sexual kick out of burning his testicles with a lighter - but he didn't want to - it would be your job to respect what HE wanted done with HIS body.

If he loves and respects you, he will honor YOUR wishes and stop trying to pressure you to have anal sex. Respecting your partner and their wishes, is the only way to have a healthy sexual relationship... period.

TiKi

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I am sorry you feel your husband is trying to guilt you into doing something you are not comfortable with and that you believe is now not making love to you as often, perhaps as an unspoken way to punish you for your reluctance. If that is indeed the case, you need to sit down with him and have a frank discussion with him regarding your perceptions of what he is doing.

Anal does hold fascination for many people, but as you mentioned there are risks in performing anal sex. One of the most common is tearing and bleeding of the soft tissues, and possible damage to the sphincter muscles, causing incontinence and anal prolapse. Even when people use lots of lubrication during anal sex, there can be tearing of the tissue inside the anus, which is not as well protected as the skin outside the anus. Our external tissue is "kerotinized," meaning that it has layers of dead cells that create a thickened protective barrier. The tissue inside the anus does not have this feature. Without plenty of lubrication, anal tissue can tear quite easily, creating openings where bacteria and viruses can enter and cause disease problems, such as anal cancer. Anal sex can also create a fissure, which is a tear up in the rectum can develop into a crack, and become infected. This can gradually extend out through the wall of the bowel and form a channel across, through and into a nearby organ. That's called a "fistula", and it would allow feces to flow from the rectum into the vagina and out.

I have gone through the physical reasons to avoid anal sex, and if you presented those reasons to your husband, that should be enough, but it sounds like he is being passive-aggressive in his attitude towards you. And that more than anything is the issue for you. It feels like he does not respect your decision enough to take it in good grace and that if he pouts long enough, or withholds sex from you long enough that you will eventually give in and agree to something you really don't want to do. This is what needs to be addressed.

First off, don't skirt the issue - if you think that he is playing games with you, ask him. A direct question like, "Since we talked about anal sex and I said I was not interested I think you have been holding back sexually, why?" He will have to answer it. If he tells you its your imagination, or you're just being silly, give him concrete examples of the times he has held back. If he still denies it, keep a log of the next few times you believe he is holding back.

Stop feeling guilty for his actions or lack thereof. He is responsible for his own actions, not you. Trust your intuition about this. It will help you to resist falling into the trap of taking on blame that's not yours and thinking that it's "all you".

Once you've had your say, drop the topic. Unless there is no change, in which case, bring it up again, but in a very matter of fact way. At no time in a marriage should you ever be asked to do something you are not comfortable with, and your spouse should be willing to abide by that decision. After all, it is your body, you say what happens to it. If he doesn't like it, he needs to deal with it, accept it and move on from there. I am sure this is not an insurmountable obstacle, but just a blip in the road of marriage.

Cori