QUESTION:

One question, I have is I am 23 but I am still technically a virgin. I have noticed people dont wait any more, they prefer if you are good in bed, Now I know I wont be good after the first few times, but after practice ill be great, but I would like to be great, is it better to wait or just go with the crowd.

My brother is younger than me, and he has lost his virginity, and he is good, that's what the ladies say. People always compare me and my brother. Would it affect my relationship or marriage if I am still technically a virgin, and not good. I would want my future spouse to think our sex was the best, so how could I start or know that I would be the best. I read info, on the net, books from library, your emails, etc.

Kind regards
Steve


Dear Steve:

A guy who wants to remain a virgin until marriage? That is amazing! Women truly wish there were more men who treasured their virginity like you do.

On a more serious note, you mentioned your younger brother seems to have a reputation with the ladies - but at the end of the day it means he might be good at sex, but probably is not so hot on the relationship aspect of it, otherwise why so many women? And honestly, when you get ready to choose a spouse do you want a wife who has been 'around the block' a few times, or a woman who was not so sexually active. It's well and good to think about practicing, but really in this day and age it is not a good idea. STDs are on the rise, more than 6 million people per year here in the USA alone are told they are infertile as a result of STDs. And condoms don't protect effectively against STDs. Are you really willing to risk your health, and the health of your future wife (even if you haven't met her yet) just so you can get some practice in now? The 'crowd' as you talk about in your question are not being smart. Yes, the short term results are fun, but the long term consequences are not. Even the short term results are not that great.

And sex is more than just technique and 'being good in bed'. It is a connection of emotions, mind, and body. That's why it's called making love. Even if you did get some 'practice' in before marriage, there is no guarantee when you marry the woman of your dreams that everything is going to be great. Sex is a giving of yourself to that one woman, and her giving herself fully to you. You learn what makes each other happy, and what turns the other one on. That comes from being with one person and loving them, and seeing them at their best and worst, not by 'practicing' before marriage. And what about those women you 'practice' on before marriage - are you willing to discard them once you're done with them? Again, sex is not an emotionless act, doesn't matter how much people try to say it's 'just sex'.

I can guarantee if you wait until you meet the right person and then wait until you are married, the sex will be much sweeter than if you had gone out and had sex before marriage. It might be more clumsy, and less fulfilling the first few times you make love, but it's not as though your wife is going to want to give up entirely on the whole thing because it is not perfect! I can guarantee that every newly married couple, whether sexually experienced or not, have a learning curve to go through, because each of us is created differently and what might please one woman will leave another one cold. Why not wait until you find your spouse and then learn what makes you both happy?

And there is an unspoken double standard for men and women - it's ok for the guy to get out there and prove he is a stud. But if you asked a woman how many men she'd had sex with (and she was honest with you) and said "Oh. I've slept with about 30 men," would you still be interested in her? If it's not ok for her to do it, why is it ok for you?

Keep and treasure your virginity. Let the crowd think what they will, but when they're battling with STDs or other problems from sleeping around, they will look at people like you and realize that self-control and choosing to do the right thing pays off in the end. And don't let your brother's sexual exploits bother you.

Cori

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Dear Steve ~

Setting out to have sex just so you will get better at it in time for a future wife is just not a good idea.

She will have no comfort in knowing you "practiced" with a variety of women to hone your skills instead of learning the ways of true love with each other.

Likewise, I would think that you wouldn't want her coming to you after she'd bedded so many men that she now considered herself "great" in bed.

Besides, each partner you were with would be different and what worked with one might not with someone else.

If your brother likes his 'player' status, it doesn't mean you have to go down the same road. Finding someone you are first compatible with in other areas ... before moving onto a physical relationship is much more satisfying.

TiKi

Dear Steve -

Check out Michael Webb's Virtuoso Lover Series.  You'll learn more about how to be a fantastic lover than if you had been with 500 women.  And you won't get nasty diseases learning.

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READER'S RESPONSES:

I commend you for waiting, please don't give in to the taunts and the pressure from the "Crowd." That is the easy way out and it can mess you up for a long time once your find the "Right" girl. I wish I had waited until I was married. I was seventeen when I seduced the girl I married two years later. We thought we knew what we were doing. We have now been married for nearly forty four years and I have to say the first few years of marriage our sex live was pretty sorry.

She still had guilt feelings over our early experiments before marriage and I was still clueless about building the emotional connection. However after several years of marriage we got to the place where we understood what the other one liked and were able to take care of each others needs. Another thought is after you have children, wouldn't it be great to be able to sit down with them and tell them that you waited. I have not been able to do that. I had to confess to them my failure and
encourage them to do better than their dad.

Finally as a Christian I have a responsibility to Jesus Christ that I failed to keep. According to the Apostle Paul, marriage is a picture of our relationship with Jesus Christ. I truly wish I had kept myself pure until marriage so that my marriage would better illustrate that even more important relationship that will live on through eternity.

Hang in there and don't give in!
Rich

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Steve, when I was reading your question I almost thought that I had written it, especially the part about having a brother who is popular with the ladies and is GOOD at sex. Only thing is that I'm 28, am not technically a virgin (in fact to be honest I've had multiple experiences over time) but I feel like a virgin in terms of my own (perceived) sexual skill and sexual confidence. I've never even had a girlfriend to speak of, but my younger brother has had many. What complicates my situation as well, I'm ashamed to admit, is that ALL of my sexual experiences (I started at age 20) have been "paid" experiences; yeah you read right. Hence my not feeling particularly skilled because in that context you don't get "honest" (if you ask me) feedback, and you don't really get practice.

Anyway Steve I thank you for your question, because I struggle with the very same issue; I believe it especially affects us because we're men, and as one of the replies to your post said, there's a double standard for us, and I'll add that as men we're expected to be out there as the "hunters", spreading our wild oats and honing our skills. Let me say that I've had experiences where "well-meaning" females have said to me that I should be out there "looking women" and getting more "pu....y", especially as a man. Let me say further that recently it came home to be sharply and clear as day that a particular young woman (who's a little older than me and supposedly more experienced in life and relationships) I had had a longstanding crush on, and whom I felt I would want to marry in some "dream" (delusion??) future, actually kind of laughed at me and the fact that I obviously had relatively little sexual experience -and implicitly skill. She herself I admit has been experienced, has had -by her own indirect confession- a number of guys over time, and has had a number of boyfriends. And by that same token she's used to guys who are out there getting their practice and so therefore are I guess good in some way. (She likes "bad boys"; I'm a born-and-bred "nice guy". ??Maybe Michael Webb can say something on how to not be such a "nice guy"??)

Interestingly though at the present time, not only does she not have a current BF when last I checked, but she also seems to be becoming a bit disillusioned about the whole relationship thing, especially the very concept of marriage. And guess why? Part of the reason -from my reasoning and conversations with her- is that the very guys who are out there getting their practice and experience and whom she's attracted to, are the same guys WHO CHEAT ON HER! Go figure!! And I'm guessing that she feels that she won't be able to find a guy who won't cheat on her, because "All men are dogs", and that kind of crap. But of course an inexperienced, clumsy, "nice guy" who might actually care about her more than these guys, is somehow just not appealing sexually. To think she's so "experienced" with relationships but maybe somewhat lacking in relationship skill or judgment??

Steve, I share your concerns about wanting to be sexually skilled, not necessarily wanting to join the crowd, but wondering if maybe that joining the crowd just has to be done nonetheless....For me not getting my practice on makes me question my manhood, and how women would see me as a man, especially given the experience with that young lady I described above. Plus I often feel that I'm "missing out", and I question how long I might have to wait before I find "the right one"; after all I'm the whole of 28 y.o.

But as the contributors have said it might not be worth going out there and just "doing it" (I'm also trying to convince myself fully, bear with me Steve). Look at me: like I said all my experiences have been "paid", and I don't think I'm the better for it. In fact I have a world of shame to deal with; how can I bring this history to my future wife if I ever meet her?? You probably have to really think it through in this way, how would you feel? Might you feel like a "sell-out", like you sold out your core principles (I don't know if you're religious or not; I am somewhat, so you can imagine how that has affected me...) just to join the crowd? Perhaps just to impress some girl(s) who later on might turn out to be totally not worth it at all; perhaps some girl(s) who might be shallow, self-centered, and not real (meaningful, fulfilling, LASTING) relationship-material at all?? Let us both really think about this carefully...

Fact is Steve women will likely always be attracted to a "manly self-confidence"; that's what sexually-experienced guys project, not the awkward shyness and clumsiness. But what if we could develop this self-confidence without selling ourselves short with less-than-favourable sexual experiences?? What if we could project self-confidence BECAUSE we know that we decided to reserve all our manly sexual energies for that one fortunate lady, and that when she's (yours and mine of course) lucky enough to finally meet us and have us in her life, we UNLEASH all that raw passion and sexual energy on her, with no reservations, no holding back, etc. I like to say to myself that what I may lack in proper experience and skill, I make up for in sheer enthusiasm and desire! To help with concerns about my skill level I try to read alot of good, wholesome stuff on sexual technique, making love, etc., like Michael Webb's newsletter and ebooks for example! I admit that for some things you really "learn by doing", and I still have some insecurity about not getting the practice, and how others (women) might see me and therefore how I might see myself especially as a man, and especially at my age -28- and stage in life. But I still try to remind myself what it is I really want, and I keep trying to learn as much as I can otherwise so that I don't feel like a total clutz. I hope it works.....

Steve I thank you once again for your question to Michael as it really made me think about my own situation, and it was good to hear from someone in a similar one to mine, who has been thoughtfully looking out at the world at what's going on. Here's hoping we can both work on and address whatever insecurity we each may have around the issue and develop that self-confidence that we need. And then here's hoping that we each find that woman who deserves our "enthusiasm", and that we each will be in a relationship where wide exploration and daily improving our skills are the order of the day.

All the best to you Steve -I hope they pass this on to you.