Dear Michael -

I have a weird Question... My b/f and i have been together for a year and a half, in the beginning we had tons of sex... and i know that a lot of that had to do with lust, and although we still lust for each other we don't "go at it" as much as we did before. I'm not complaining about that... but what concerns me is that it will be a week or maybe two between our love making... it just seems like the gap has become huge..

i try to find ways to get him all hot and bothered but i just cant seem to figure out how ...

i tried to get him talking about fun/odd places he would like to have sex... and he said stuff like on an island ,.. in a car...

neither of us drive... lol

i just feel a little taken back by it... i go through periods of Needing it SO bad and he just "cant do it" ... I'm worried that he jerks off too much while i am at work and so when i get home there is nothing left for me ....

i have spoken with him about this, and he understands my concern but tells me repeatedly that he knows the difference between porn and real life and that he doesn't jerk off every day but that he gets stage freight .. when he notices that i want to have sex..

i don't know if i believe this .. or what is going on.. or how i can help...


Signed, Lost and confused

 

Dear Lost and Confused -

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get on my soapbox. And since it's my website, I'm allowed to do so :)

You letter once again drives home the point that there isn't any reason to have sex before marriage.  So many people use the false logic that it is important to find out if you are "sexually compatible" before you get married. But as you pointed out, for the first year or so, you were having "tons of sex".  For some couples it is three or five years of amazing sex. 

Unfortunately, many (maybe even most) unmarried couples today are together because for free and legal sex.  Think about it.  Sex binds people together emotionally, chemically, physically -- even if they are completely wrong for each other. Ever hear of cases where women have emotionally bonded with their rapists/sexual abusers?  It happens.  Sex is that powerful.

Take the test.  If you are in a sexual relationship but not married, see if you can go 6 months without sex and see if you still feel the same about each other.

Yes, it is important to understand your partner's needs, desired, experiences and dreams regarding sex but you can do that by simply asking them serious questions about sex while you have a courtship (check out my section of Sex Questions at www.questionsforcouples.com )

Sex between couples WILL CHANGE.  Sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse. It often goes through peaks and valleys depending on our age, hormones, stress and health. If you base your relationship solely or mostly on sex, you are most likely to be disappointed as your spouse's cycles will not always match yours.

Yes, there are some issues (like porn and frequent masturbation) which can be adversely affecting your sex life.

I really don't believe the "stage fright" bit since until recently you've been having lots of sex and apparently he can get hard and come when his joystick is in his hands. 

After two decades of helping couples like yourself with relationships, I honestly think you have a more important issues that needs to be addressed.  This situation you are in is an indication of more serious things that need to be dealt with.

I have written a more thorough explanation of why men might not be in the mood. Just click on the link.

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READER'S RESPONSES:

I was quite satisfied with Michael's explanation for why sex just doesn't work before marriage.  He's very right and I'm finding this out the hard way.  I think a lot of guys like me just want to find that girl who is a sex nymph: wanting sex all the time and not caring about any sort of emotional attachment.  It's like having a fuckbuddy that doesn't want anything to do with the mental or emotional conflicts that can arise out of having sex.

Going beyond what Michael said about the emotional connection, I discovered in my own curious research that in the process of sex, the DNA of two people mix (SEE COMMNENT BELOW ABOUT DNA).  They actually have adjustments to their DNA so that both partners start to behave like the other.  There is no foreseeable problem there.  The problem is if a person has sex with more than one person, therefore inheriting the personality traits from other people.  The result can be a very confused person.

I would recommend you talk to your boyfriend.  In my own almost 2 year relationship, I've discovered that if you can't communicate about the smallest things, you won't be able to communicate about the bigger things.  Maybe your boyfriend feels the contradicting ideas between him and you and would rather not come into conflict.  Besides that, it is almost always more rewarding to stick at something and finish it than to stop where you are and attempt to start up something new somewhere else.

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Michael -

You are so right once again.  I convinced myself that I should know if I was "sexually compatible" before I married even though in my heart I really knew I should save myself for marriage.  We were "perfect" sex partners for the first 3 years and now that we're married we really struggle with our lovemaking.  In hindsight, I probably would have never married this guy but the sex during dating made me feel like I had already given my heart and soul to him. I can live with the up and down sex, it is the other things that the sex masked that are truly difficult to live with.

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RE: The girl and her b/f who've been together for a year and a half who's concerned b/c they're not having as much sex as they used to but he's still in to the masturbation/porn -

My first thought is to ask what is the basis of this relationship? I'm just hypothesizing, but It sounds to me like she's using his sexual desire for her as a barometer of their closeness as a couple or to validate her own worth/attractiveness. If either is very emotionally immature then neither will be able to fully meet the others emotional needs especially if they are both very young and wouldn't necessarily know what their own emotional needs might be at this stage of their lives.

To summarize: Just because the parts work and fit together pleasurably, doesn't mean you're ready to use them, and in fact, can be a real mental and emotional mess when you do it before you understand that there's a lot more pieces involved than just the parts you can see and feel.

Oh - And I have to comment on the responder who suggested that people's DNA changes - It does not. I think perhaps they meant that a person's brain and body chemistry changes throughout one's life in response to various outside influences, emotional experiences and environmental changes and will respond, or mutate if you will, accordingly to people as well.

Respectfully,
Crystal