Dear Michael -

I've been married for eight months now, and my husband has not gone down on me. When I ask about it he says it's his culture, "Jamaican men don't go down". What can I do?

Thanks,
Anonymous
 

Dear Anonymous -

Growing up, it was pretty common knowledge (or at least stereotype) that "black men don't go down".  In fact, several of my black friends would really make fun of the whole concept of white men doing that.

So, I do not think he is making it up. As for the reason why black men as a culture find cunnilingus distasteful (whereas lots of white guys enjoy it) I simply do not know.

As far as I know, black women really enjoy receiving cunnilingus.

Can anyone share any light to this phenomenon?

Reader's responses:

I was encouraged to both read and reply to your post by a female African American friend, to provide at least one more perspective from that of a black male.

I am 41 years old and I’ll start by saying that to label the myth that black men don’t go down as a phenomenon adds fuel to the flicker of a notion that should’ve been extinguished long, long ago. While this myth was included with a number of others that proved to be grossly invalid in the black community (blacks can’t swim, we aren’t smart enough to play quarterback in the NFL, all black men are good at basketball, oh yeah and we all are extremely well endowed), as I grew into my sexuality and adulthood, it was shattered right along with the others.

I am 41 years old and became sexually active in my teens. During this time, I lived in Miami, FL where I was blessed to experience exposure to a wonderful medley of culture including Hispanic, Haitian, Jamaican, European, Dominican, Cuban, Caribbean and African. I had Jamaican male and female friends. They engaged in cunnilingus and fellatio. Having the occasion to kick it with my father and his friends “under the tree” or after work at “the spot,” I learned early on that the majority of these guys also enjoyed it as well – “I eat it like it’s goin’ out of style!” “Show me a man who don’t go down on a woman and I’ll show you a man who’s woman I can take!” Were just a few of the comments I recalled from this group of 40-55 year old black and caribbean men at the time.

Those things aside, for anyone to characterize a personal preference as that of a condition affecting an entire race or culture is at best unrealistic. Even if the entire race of Jamaican black men decided not to go down tomorrow, a better question for your husband would be why he personally is unwilling to give you something that you obviously desire. I’m no psychologist, but I think if you can get beyond the generic answer being provided and have him personalize the issue as it relates to the two of you, you may be able to overcome it if your husband is the type of person who desires to please his wife.

Before sitting down to respond I polled 5 of my black male friends (even though I knew the answers from conversations had in the past) to find out if they “performed cunnilingus” (I might’ve termed it a little differently), how they were introduced to it and at what stage in their sexual experience they began performing. First, all of them go down and enjoy it. One of them even expressed why he enjoyed it so much and confessed to ejaculating while “giving his woman head without being otherwise stimulated.” Three of them were 1st exposed to the idea of cunnilingus via pornography and eventually tried it when the opportunity presented itself, while two others were taught by women/girls they were involved with (one black and one white). All except one began going down in their teens, while the other was 22 before doing so.

Personally, I want my sexual partner to be pleased as much as I want her to please me. If that means trying something that I have not been exposed to in the name of her experiencing the ecstasy she desires, I’m all for it as long as it isn’t overly painful or demeaning.

In closing, experience has taught me the wisdom of my father’s friend’s words, “show me a man who is ‘unwilling to please his woman’ and I’ll show you a woman I can take!” While I now realize that remark is not relegated to sexual satisfaction, as a black man, I fully understand that the women in our sexual lives have needs and requirements that span the realm of sensuality and sexuality. If we don’t tend to them, someone else will.
That being said, 4 of the 5 black males I polled are convinced they should plan a vacation to Jamaica since there are obviously a number of Jamaican women who are missing out!

Shatter the myth.

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Well, maybe Jamaican men make their own dinner too . . . .

I'm kidding. I don't think you should ever demand any particular sexual act from someone, because often they aren't comfortable with providing it. Take it from someone who has had a very long journey trying to become comfortable with certain sexual acts.

However, blaming it on culture is like saying, "I won't because they didn't," or even "It isn't done." Neither of those are very good reasons, because nobody else has any business in your sex life.

I recommend you find the real root of the problem. Try to talk plainly and honestly about it. If it really is just something he won't do because other people don't, discuss the fact that your sex life is about the two of you, and not about anyone else.

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I'm not sure you can lump all black men together. The man in my life is black and he is very skilled at going down. So it could be a Jamaican thing and not a black thing.

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I've had many, many lovers and almost all the black men I have been with have been less than eager to go down whereas 50% of the white men seemed to love it.  Still dont know the reason why that is.

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I think if it's in his culture, you can't do much about it. However, I remember that I used to say I'd never go down on my man coz I used to find it disgusting. Even when I started to date my husband to be, I made it quite clear i'd never do it, which seemed to be ok with him. First time he went down on me I was reluctant but God it was awesome (my first time!)...he did it several times after and then I thought it was only fair i return it back to him...so now i enjoy doing it for him. So, maybe you should make him feel that way..go down on him more often and maybe he'll change his mind.

OR, you could simply have friends (male ones) drop hints to him on how their women go crazy when they do it and how it makes love making more hot... Hope it helps :)

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I am Jamaican and I have only ever dated one man who would not perform cunnilingus. There are many men in Jamaica who say they don't and even some women who say it's nasty. I personally feel most of those men are being somewhat selfish because they enjoy fellatio, while most of those women probably tell themselves it's nasty because they're not going to get it from their man anyways, but secretly wish he would do it for them.

As for the gentleman who responded saying perhaps he and his friends should plan a vacation to Jamaica, come on down because you may just give some women the best time they've ever had ;0) And he is also right when he says if a man is not satisfying his woman (and not only in the bedroom), that is probably a woman he can get to easier than one who is fully happy with her man.