Dear Lovemaking Answers:

My fiancé and I have great sex! But I feel like I am always the one doing the work and starting the foreplay. If I am not the one starting the sex, then we can go weeks without having any. It's not a problem to get him hard, but I feel he always makes me do all the "getting hot and heavy" work. How do I get him to romance me and turn me on more, and be the one who ignites the flame?


Normally this is a question a man is asking about his fiancee, not the other way round. Good on you for initiating sex though, so often as women we think it is the man's job to always romance us and make the first move. I am sorry that you feel you are the one to have to make the first move though, as I am sure it gets rather tiring and perhaps even demoralizing.

Being that he is a guy, subtle hints are probably not the way to go, well that is according to my husband who read this question over my shoulder. Saying things like, "A lovely dinner would be wonderful" will more than likely go over his head because he'll think, "Good She's going to cook for me." Be specific and be positive. Say something like this, "You know, when you do such and such, or say so and so, it really gets me excited. I can't wait for the next time you do that." And when he does initiate sex, praise him lavishly and let him know how sexy that makes you feel. The more often you do that, the more he should respond.

Don't be shy about talking to him. Many of us don't talk about our sex lives with the person we are meant to be the closest too - we are embarrassed, or think they might get angry with us, but if you can't talk to him, then who can you talk to? Talk about sex at a time when you are not planning on having sex and let it be a frank discussion - perhaps you can figure out why he does not initiate sex and then help him to overcome that.

Also, put the moves on, and then back off and let him make the next move. He may need some coaching on how to be romantic and create a sexual ambiance, he may have no idea how to really do it, so prefers to let you do it so he knows he won't be rejected. But if you start with some moves and then step back to let him take over, he will begin to realize how to start them in the first place. Dress in some sexy lingerie, walk into the room where he is sitting and say, "I'll meet you in the bedroom", and then wait for him. He should get the clue then!

Tell him specifically what you like when you are making love. He may not do the hot and heavy work you described because he is unsure what you will and won't like. Point him in the right direction and tell him directly.

And if all else fails, request that the two of you see a counselor to figure this out. Otherwise you will begin to get resentful and that is not good for any relationship.

Cori

Men will sometimes be hesitant at initiating sex if they have gotten the feeling that some of their past overtures have been unwelcomed.

It can be very demoralizing for a man to be ready for action and to get the "I'm not in the mood" response. 

Give him some not-so-subtle clues about when and where you are most excited.  Perhaps it is not at 10pm when you are going to bed.  Maybe in front of the fireplace always turns you on.  Let him know. 

Michael