Dear Michael -

I have been married for almost 20 years (this August will be our 20th). Our sex life has been average, but nothing to write home about. She is not the type to try new things and when it comes to doing anything - it is generally I am on top or sometimes she is on top. She does not like any oral sex, even though I love it and would go down on her anytime she wanted. I get oral sex about once a year and if I am lucky it might be 3 times in a year. I have purchased small vibrators for her and she just ends up throwing them away. I have also tried to bring in dice and other ways to try and spice things up with out any success. We do have two boys, age 11 and 15. I have also tried to help more around the house, by cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming and other chores. I love my wife with all my heart, and would never want to divorce her, but it gets frustrating. Do you have any ideas that might help in this case?

Thanks,
Chris

Dear Chris -

I am sorry that your sex life is not that fulfilling.  But thanks for reaching out and also sharing your frustration so others can benefit.

There can be a number of reasons why your wife is not being the sex kitten you desire.  Let me just throw out some of the possibilities.

* The has a ultra-narrow view of sex.  That sex is meant only for procreation or even that sex might be a little bit "dirty".  In that case, it is very mental/psychological.  She'll probably need some good counseling if that is the case so that she can allow herself to enjoy sex.

* She finds oral sex (your main complaint) to be uncomfortable/yucky.  You need to make sure you are squeaky clean and maybe even use some flavorings poured on your penis to make it taste better.  Help her find the positions where it is more comfortable for her. 

* She has a low sex drive.  Very common in a lot of women. Might be low hormones.  There are natural remedies and drugs she can look into.

* She uses sex as a bargaining chip.  This is very dangerous in a relationship.  She should want to pleasure you even if it is something she does not find to be overly pleasurable herself (as long as it is not painful or demeaning to her).  Just like she would hope that you do with things she enjoys but you might not (going shopping, watching chick-flicks, etc.)

* She has some unresolved resentment with you and is finding it hard to become truly intimate. Helping more around the house is a start but there might be a lot more to it.  You need to find out.

And just to make you feel better, about 80% of people out there wish their sex life was more exciting.  The tools, tips and advice are out there (like on this website and in my books) but a person really has to want to put forth the effort to learn.

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Reader's responses:

I have written to you before. This is in regard to the letter below and your answer (at the bottom). My wife is one of those with a combination of problems - low interest, sex is dirty, too much trouble. You are right: these problems can be dealt with, but only if the person is interested in changing. In this case, my wife knows that I take my vows seriously and will never leave, therefore, she knows she doesn't have to do anything. So she has done nothing. So this gentleman has to realize that his vows may be tested severely. Did he really mean "until death do us part"? Most people don't. They really mean "until I encounter something I don't really like". That's not a vow before God, that's a deal with a used car salesman. How many of us are actually willing to stand behind "worse" occurring in "for better or for worse"? How many of us really intend to stay when a person is mentally sick and have to uphold "in sickness and in health"? Outside of death, there was no release clause in my vows. It's sad how many people think that their vows did.